Monday, June 14, 2010

How to paint a room, including skirting and other problem zones

Ma arvan , et see oli kuskil kolm aastat tagasi, kui ma käisin veel RaM'is, kui Grete tõi Lisetti'le tagasi ühe roost värvi kapsaks loetud raamatu, ma lehitsesin seda ning see tundus geniaalne, stiilne ja humoorikas. Ma küsisin lisettilt kas ma tohin seda laenata, kuid ta oli lubanud seda juba Laurale, niiet minuni see kunagi ei jõudnudki. Ma unustasin raamatu nime ja autori, ning nii ma olengi viimased aastad kuravalt otsinud seda roosat raamatut. Olin juba leppinud selle kaotusega, kuni selle nädalavahetuseni kui sattusin kogemata Waterstone'si ja suvalises riiulis vedeles suvaline roosa raamat, millest kõndisin tuimalt mööda. JA MA TULIN TAGASI! ning see oli see raamat!
"How to walk in high heels?" by Camilla Morton
Camilla õppis moodi Central St Martinsis ja töötas kooli ajal Vogues, pärast seda kolis ta Pariisi ning tötas Gallano ja Dior'i heaks ning nüüd on ta bäkk in London town ja kirjutab The Time'sile, Telegraph'ile, Harpers Bazaar'ile jne jne.
See raamat on kõik ja veel enamat mida üks naine võib tahta, sest see vastab kõikidele küsimustele maailmas. Võinoh, vähemalt mina tundsin nii. Kõik asjad mille üle ma olen epad murnud, muretsenud või mis on mind vaevanud..kõikidele leidsin vastused siit raamatust! Alates sellest kus ja milliseid kontsi kanda lõpetades sellega kuidas elektrikorgid sisse lülitada? Sajad küsimused ja maailma humoorikamad vastused. Soovitan nii nii soojalt!

How to avoid flu fast and fashionably?
How to achieve perfection?
How to deal with bad hair day?
How to apply red lipstick and get it to stay?
How cope in a real emergency: when a heel breaks?
How to make stylish excuses?
How to love Champagne?
How to get ready in 5 minutes- really!
The basic steps of Ballroom tango
How to meet the Queen?
How to understand politics/How to sound like a politician?
How to play poker?( koos maailma kõige parema, lihtsama ja geniaalsema seletusega!)

How to choose the correct music a la :
Mood: you are FABOLOUS 
Suggestion : Tom Jones " Kiss"

Mood: You are going to kill him
Suggestion:Mozart's requiem

How to sing karaoke?
Ones to avoid AT ALL COSTS
Aretha: Sorry forget it! You will have no RESPECT if you attempt this
Marvin gaye
Diana Ross: NO to the screetching ones.
Likewise NO Mariah Carey, NO Celine Dion, NO Christina Aguilera. Birtney Spears is surprisingly difficult, see if you can do Madonna instead. 

How to be an Art Lover? (including How to enjoy modern art, How to know which names to drop, Galleries to go to, where to start)
How to complain with class?
How to eat oysters and lobsters?
How to love right type?
How to produce fabulous three-course dinner(and still be ale to make a pleasant conversation in the end)? Minusugusele kaootilisele inimesele täiuslikud retseptid täiusliku ajakavaga a la millal taldrikud välja tuua ja lauda katta ja veini juurde valada jne.

Dishes and scenarios to avoid on the first date:
Spaghetti dripping down the chin
Slurpy soup
A sauce-drenched rack of ribs
Corn on the cob
Snails and potential flying objects
Blood dripping meat- particulary not good if date is vegetarian
Baguettes, bananas and anything that could be constructed as a double etendre.

How to cure a hangover? (haha eriti targad nõuanded! will try)
How to scan a picture? 
How to be very busy doing nothing?
How to get a job?
How to get a pay rise without sleeping with the boss?

How to blow your nose gracefully?
Practically impossible. You can't. 
    So, if you need to blow your nose, excuse yourself and leave the room. 
    Always carry tissues with you to avoid the same and discomfort of having to blow your nose on a bus ticket or having to ask someone for tissue. Most unglamorous.
    If you must put tissues up your sleeves up your sleeve, fold them; you dont want to ruin the line of your top.
    If you have a streaming cld, its very simple. Dont go out. STAY IN.

How to observe royal protocol and do a royal wave?
There's a lot to be thankful to the royals for.
First and foremost the royal wave.
This is done as so:
1 Ectend arm,
2 Bend elbow.
3 Twist writ, turning the joint in a circular motion - a good way to exercise the muscles. Act as if you are in class carriage being whisked to a fairy-tale ball.

The Royal Wave is also an excellent way to dry nail vanish. Frantic full arm waves should be reserved solely for air traffic control. Finger flapping waves for the under fives.

How to use toilets in concert venues?

    If you are a rock chic enough to go to Glastonbury or some outdoor concer and you need to make a call of nature, be prepared.
   If you simply cannot keep your legs corssed for another six hours you will have to venture into a scary Portaloo situation.
   First try to blag your way backstage into the VIP enclosure, saying that you are an A&R scout, a backing singer, a girlfriend, their PR, whatever fits your look, and use the facilities there. The groups tend to have their own fancy trailers with all mod cons attatched so theirs will be up to department store standard. if this doesn't work there in nothing else to for it than to join the queue.
   Take a friend with you as you may be gone for hours. If you are worried about physical contact with the door you could bring along your marigolds.
   Take a deep breath open the door, and do not breathe in.
    Touch NOTHING; ideally get your friend to lean/stand in front of the door so you dont have to lock it and risk getting trapped in the toxic coffin for the afternoon.
    Go prepared. Take tissues with you, and antibacterial wipes.
     An unladylike as this sounds, in the venue like this there is no choice but to squat and pray, and as you are not breathing in here be as quick as possible.
    If going at night you will definitely want your friend to come, perhaps equipped with a torch for some illumination.
   As you have a disinfect yourself, squirt yourself with a dab of your signature perfume, and slip your shades over your eyes as you will recover from this dignity loss. Pretend it never happened.

How to buy a house?
How to move in with the right person?
How to find lost keys?
Keys ,glasses and makeup are the 3 thins, in that order, that you must never lose. Choose early on a regular resting place for your keys, and ensure that when you are not using them they are kept there, in the bowl, on a hook, or even locking the door from inside. If, however, you are the type of person who is incapable of keeping keys in a sensible space: ADMIT IT.( THATS ME?!)
If you know that you frequently lose your house keys, you need to take a steps. purchase key rings to help. A Tiffany's key ring will be so delicious you will never want it out of sight, but an equally succsessul alternative is to get a key ring with a built-in beep. They act as calling system, and if the keys havenät gone too fat, you can clap your hands to activate the beep. You can then follow the sound till you are reunited. 
Hand out spare sets to reliable friends and approacheble reighbours.
How to clean out a goldfish bowl?
How to decorate a christmas tree?
How to get a room with view?
How to change a flat tyre?
How to get out of the car in a short skirt?

last but not least(mu lemmik)
How to catch a mouse, rather than gain a pet?
If conforted by a mouse, before you shrick and leap on the nearest chair, there are three things to remember:
1 They are possibly more frightened than you
2  They are no bigger than a bar of soap
3 Mice cant clib upwards- but rats can. If the thing is climbin the chair leg, run for the door and scream like hell. 

Being calm is not really important at the initial meeting, it is how you react afterwards that counts. 
    It doesnt count how small and "cute" a mouse or a rat may look. Are you crazy? This is an optical illusion an no one sane should keep them. They are germ magnets. You def do not want it as a pet. Cats, dogs, goldfishes are acceptable, guinea pigs borderline. If you have room, why not get a horse or dolphin or something exciting and exotic? 
   If a mouse moves in, you have to move fast, change rent or evict them before they start to breed.  According to Dep of Health, a Mr and Mrs Mouse can have up to 295 babies a year, and you certainly dont want to be housing that. Remember who's the boss- you are! Whos paying rent? Exactly. Dont give them free stay an the penthouse pantry with 24-hour room service.
   Draw up a battle plan. 

1  Do you have a cat? If so, have a shat with it, any chance of doing its job? making you proud?

2 Do u wanna get a cat or do you have any other pet that wants to tackle the situation for their beloved mistress?

Can you get rid of it humanly? It is still living, so you dont  have to kill it. 

After a culprit has been caught, assess your house from mouse's ooint of view!

No ja lisaks annavad nõuandeid erinevad disanerid a la Donatella, Vivienne ja isegi Azzedine Alaia, kes vastab küsimusele How to poach an egg? Või supermodell Gisele räägib, kuidas näha pildil hea välja?  Mida veel elult tahta eksole? Your life will be just full of glamour kui jälgida kõiki soovitusi siin raamatus! Mina igatahes teen seda:)